A few lessons learned in parenting.
I’d like to begin by saying, we’re not experts! We still feel like newbies and we still have a whole lot of seasons to get through. And . . . what I’m going to share may not even work for your family! Every family, every child, every situation is totally different. But what I would like to share is what we’ve learned and what has guided us for the last 17 years. I’m also including some groups/organizations that have been instrumental in helping us learn how to parent biblically.
First up ~ a few pieces of advice:
My biggest piece of advice ~ don’t get parenting advice from parents in the same parenting stage as you. They are clueless and are figuring it out just like you. Surround yourself with older men and women ~ neighbors, cling to the older couples at your church, your parents ~ any adult you know that has already raised children and would be a good mentor for you, cling to them! They will be honored, I promise.
Build a relationship with your child first and foremost. I’m so thankful this has been drilled into our heads from the very beginning. We’ve been told this a million times and need constant reminders still today. Relationship before rules. It’s hard. Especially when you are in a tough season of not being particularly fond of your child - trust me it happens. Strive for a relationship anyway ~ find a tv show you both enjoy, a game, anything you can do together to foster enjoy being around each other. This has taken a lot of creativity sometimes and even some gritting of my teeth. But because I’m the adult, I have to grit my teeth and smile through it because my child & our relationship is worth it!
Pray for your relationship with your child. Our Father loves them more than we ever could, He knows what’s best for them. I have often found myself asking God to help me see them how He does because honestly, sometimes all I can see is how frustrated or angry I am. I fondly remember being told many times by many different women that I will spend more time praying than parenting my children once they were teenagers. That couldn’t be truer! These teen years are a season of learning to trust Him with them more than ever before. It’s strengthening our faith more than ever and helping us let go of them.
It’s okay to parent differently than everyone else. Quite honestly if you’re doing it well, you won’t fit in. So be bold, confident and stick with it. I think if you looked closely at the world around you, you’d notice that most parents aren’t leading their families ~ they are too busy and too preoccupied. Raising kids takes intentional work. You can’t outsource lovingly and boldly raising your children.
That’s our crew! Our oldest is now 17, and the boys are 14 and 12. They are all amazingly different in a million different ways. These kids have taught us more than we ever knew we needed to know. Can you imagine that? It’s incredible to both of us how much parenting teaches you about yourself and about who God is. We’ve learned that we are impatient, selfish, moody, slow to forgive, short tempered . . . this could go on for days. We’ve also learned how good God is, how patient He is with us, how He restores relationships when repentance is present, how good He is, how much He loves us and them . . . again, I could go on for days.
As we’ve moved through different stages of parenting and are gearing up for this next stage, the five points below have stuck out to us as important values that have framed our goal of biblical parenting. These have guided us in the raising of our 3 strong willed, defiant but obedient kids. I realize that doesn’t make sense, but every day is a new day and kids like ours keep us on our toes!
RELATIONSHIP ~ We have to continually work on having a positive relationship with our three kids, always have. They, like us, take things personally and are easily offended. When we are in a good place, discipline and correction are more well received. When we have a lot of tension with one another, they buckle at any discipline or correction. Early on some great relationship builders were chasing, tickle monster, playing games, hiking, fishing, dancing, cooking and gardening. Now that they are older things have shifted some. Now we watch movies, play games, go out to dinner as a family, kayak, hunt and shop. When they were younger it felt a little easier to spend time together but now that they are older, they have a stronger desire to be with friends. We totally get that; we were teenagers too! But it’s our responsibility to carve out time together so that we can keep building our relationship with one another as a family. Most of the time this looks like whole family activities, sometimes when we’re able we carve out one on one time together - even its that’s just 30 minutes.
CONSISTENCY ~ People love consistency, adults and children alike. Kids especially like to know what their world is going to look like. It brings them feelings of comfort, peace and security. It’s our responsibility as parents to strive to make our home environment like that. As Julie, from Fearless Mom says, “I’m home. I’m safe. I like it here.” That’s the environment we can create for our children with consistency, and this is why we have almost always operated with charts. My husband and I, left to our own devices, would forget all of the expectations and consequences we have for different behaviors if they weren’t’ written down. Having them written down for ALL of us to see not only holds us accountable but creates consistency.
CONSEQUENCES ~ Everything has consequences That’s just how life works, it’s full of good or bad consequences based on the decisions that you make. We decided many years ago to allow the space for as many natural consequences as possible. For those times when they need more discipline, we’ve tried to be fair, consistent and to make it hurt a bit. For us, the key has been choosing their currency as they’ve gotten older. Friends, freedom, devices, driving - find out what they love and take it away for a while when they step outside of the bounds that you’ve set up. When our kids were toddlers, we used an If/Then Chart - this was when timeouts and spankings were effective for our family. As they’ve gotten older, we have been creating our own versions that are effective for us. The goal is to keep it broad and short - broad enough that it applies to many different situations and short enough that there is no confusion as to what you mean. We have always kept our behavior/consequence charts posted in the kitchen so we can easily refer to it. It’s been humorous over the years to see them go up to it to either remind us of a consequence a sibling should receive or an error we have made in dishing out a consequence. As I said, it keeps us all accountable when they are written down and posted.
FORGIVENESS ~ I’m so thankful we learned when our children were small the power of apologizing and the power of forgiveness. It breaks down anger, bitterness and heals relationships. And it’s best learned when it’s modeled. So, I’d like to challenge you to apologize to your kids when you need to. It’s equally important to offer forgiveness, out loud, to your children when they’ve apologized to you. When our kids were younger it looked like this “I’m sorry for . . . would you please forgive me?” Then the other person would offer forgiveness when they were ready. We as parents did that immediately - modeling is key. Can you just imagine what our world would look like if we all owned up to our mistakes but also genuinely, vocally offered forgiveness to everyone that has offended us? Imagine what that would do in your household? It’s a total game changer!
I hope this post has encouraged you and helped you feel more equipped in your own parenting. We were never meant to do this parenting thing alone ~ I’m happy to be on this journey with you!
RESOURCES we have used over the last 17 years to guide us in Biblical Parenting.
Please reach out with any questions, I’d love to encourage you!
The Bible - the whole thing. If you don’t know where to start, here are some verses to get you started.
The 10 Commandments ~ Exodus 20
Proverbs ~ yes, the whole book is a wealth of wisdom
Ephesians 6
The local church -
Connect with the older generation in your church. They have done this before & are a wealth of knowledge and wisdom.
Plug in ~ volunteer with your children, join a bible study, have your kids participate in youth group. Getting plugged in doesn’t mean you need to be a part of everything - pick one so that you can begin to be a part of the community at your church.
Meet with your Pastor ~ They are there to serve you & have a desire to know you and your family. They can even help you find an older couple to mentor you.
Fearless Mom ~ Fearless Mom exists to equip and encourage moms to enjoy life and connect with mothers everywhere. We’re a community of moms doing our best to set our kids up for their best, learning from our mistakes as we go. We want to help you connect with other moms and learn practical tools that will help you tap into your God-given parenting abilities and maximize the joy of motherhood.
They have chapters all over the world! This is a great community to get plugged into online or in person, they offer both. You can find them on all many social media channels, podcasts and they offer online courses. Watch the graphics on the home page and let me know if you recognize me! FEARLESS MOM
Parenting Today’s Teens ~ Biblical insights and practical wisdom to help you gain a deeper relationship with your teen. They also offer free online parenting courses, ebooks and events to help guide you through the turbulent teen years. Mark Gregston, the founder and owner, has worked with teens for over 45 years and is a wealth of knowledge. I’ve enjoyed following along on social media and on his podcasts over the years. PARENTING TODAYS TEENS
Celebrate Calm ~ How can you discipline without escalating situations, stop defiance and sibling fights, and get kids to listen the first time? Celebrate Calm has some great insight on how to parent calmly and firmly. I’ve learned a lot from his podcast and his Facebook page (updated almost daily). CELEBRATE CALM
Raising Boys & Girls ~ Melissa, David and Sissy have been counseling boys and girls for over 75 years and have a wonderful collection of books, podcasts and great social media pages that give insightful wisdom to help you and your kids. Highly recommend them! RAISING BOYS AND GIRLS
